like i know its thanksgiving and i shouldnt complain and i have nothing to complain about really. i have such great people in my life and theyre all so supportive. i love love love my family, tonight was awesome.
but i think i’m so stressed out that i cant sleep through the night. i wake up 3-4 times a night. i think i’m just stressed about school and keeping my relationship. not that either are going bad, i just want both to be exceptional. i want A’s in every class. and i want to get by the semester and be on winter break and get to see john a little more. but i’m so stressed about getting everything done, and then balancing seeing him and my family. and i’m just lost. what a fucking first world problem this is for a- seemingly ungrateful person. i swear though i do appreciate every part of my life.
I think so far its just been going so well because we were friends before anything. we talked, listened to music, smoked weed, watched bruins games, for a solid month and a half before he even kissed me when i left the apartment or made out on the couch in the living room when everyone else left, and it was a month after that when we realized we were in a relationship…
and i think that’s just the most important part about a relationship. is that you have to be friends with each other too.
at this point in a relationship because i love a lot and i dont want to lose it. I don’t feel like its being lost right now at all, but sometimes it just happens so fast, like right before your eyes you could say the wrong thing and the next day your facebook goes from in a relationship to single. And i just don’t want to even think about that happening.
I just hope to God that after all is said and done, and when this next year and a half flies by, I come out on top of everything and know what I want to do, know that I’m doing the right thing for me, know that I’m spending my time with the right people.
i watched a documentary on the science behind Sex Appeal, and like what makes people physically attractive. It talked about/ showed what features make someone more feminine/masculine and shit and ever since then i keep looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about how i have masculine features such as my eyebrows being closer to my eyes and my chin is wider and bigger and I know i’m not ugly, but it certainly makes me feel a lot less pretty or attractive.
so once you read that Buzzfeed, here’s my opinion on all of this. and i sincerely hope none of you take it in the wrong way.
It was completely insensitive of her to even think of doing something like dressing up as a marathon victim. Completely. Like i dont think i can ever understand how she thought it was funny or clever.
and some of the tweet responses were very accurate.. like the one that was like “did you dress up as a cancer patient last year” or whatever.
THAT BEING SAID whoever got her address, her parents information, or decided to send her death threats, is JUST as bad, if not worse. There are very few situations where people should legitimately wish death upon someone, and as close as the boston marathon bombing is to my heart being a mass resident and having so many connections with the area, someone trying to make fun of the situation shouldnt be the time to wish death upon them. She was just extremely ignorant, insensitive, and inhumane.
Like honestly I’m stressed out as fuck with registration tomorrow, knowing i have a boat load of things to do before the end of the semester, let alone the next (hopefully) 3 semesters here. I’m trying to get homework done early but its so confusing. i have to write a transcription and i’m nowhere close to where i should be. I am running out of underwear even though its been less than two weeks since Ive done laundry. i’ve been dying for john to lay next to me so i know everything will be okay but he’s at a bar with his friend who happens to be his ex and i dont care…but i do.. but i dont. because i’m friends with all of mine, so he can go to a bar with his. but i think its just the fact that she can legally go to the bar and i cant, and she probably knows more about the bruins than me his current lame ass girlfriend. so i gave up on the homework that i don’t understand, and started drinking and it didn’t even help. story of my fucking life.
Today Kerry asked how my weekend was, so i was like “oh it was goooood john came up, i did this, we did that, this happened, sox won” and she was like “how is that btw, you and john? you’ve been together for a while now right?”
and on that short walk to bates it got me thinking. a while seems sort of relative, like dynamics and tempo. sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were keeping it on the DL. sometimes it feels like we’ve been best friends for years.
all i’m really sayin here is that the amount of time we’ve called ourselves in a relationship doesnt matter. and that i’m comfortable with where we are i guess.
i feel like i’m finding more success in my playing than i have before, and i am feeling more ready about this education part to music, and i feel like i’m learning more…. but MY GOD the work is incredibly hard to the point where i debate on dropping classes and feeling like i shouldn’t be taking music classes. its such contrasting feelings that i have
Things are so weird lately.
Life is so busy.
And Good. And bad.
And interesting. And absolutely full of surprises.
Wondering how I ended up here.
And why you talk to me.
But yeah things are just weird lately and I’m just tryina figure out how to piece everything together yanno?
The struggle haha.
is really weird because last semester i was going to John’s apartment 3 or 4 times a week, getting drunk watching the bruins, and spending the weekends with him when i had mono.. and now he’s like an hour and a half away and i drink by myself at night in my room doing my homework watching the sox.
dont get me wrong i love how we’re still so happy to be in each other’s company but its just weird not being able to see him or catch him practicing in my favorite practice room. i rely on our phone calls at noon, texts exchanged, and hopefully seeing him every couple of weekends.
on a different note, i’m first chair in wind symphony and it’s fun
I think i want to just keep growing my hair out until 8 get REALLY annoyed with it, or until its long enough to donate, still leaving me a good chunk of hair to play with. I mean what cancer patient wouldnt want some auburn hair?!
i also think i want to teach music to criminals. i’m going to school for music education and minoring in psychology. ideally i want to teach, but i want to help people as well. and so teaching in a school would be sweet because thats where i was first motivated. but teaching music as a therapy use would be really touching and helpful to someone. but then teaching music in a setting such as a jail could really turn someones life around, put their mind toward something else…they could find enjoyment in something? idunno. they alll seem interesting to me.
i also want to do something nice for john but i have no idea what.
I had a few of johns leftover beers, and some twisted teas, got drunk, watched a movie about polygamy, and now I’m just thinking about going back to school. I’m nervous to be so behind on my playing and musical knowledge in general. But more than anything else, , I’m nervous for my relationship with John. My summer has been the best one I can even remember, and I owe a lot of that to him. Going away every couple of weeks to Waltham and then having him visit the rest. A camping trip. A lot of kisses and funny business. Hah. But going school is going to be different without driving to his apartment to spend the night, and watch hey Arnold on Netflix. Like I know that I’m going to visit him and he’s going to visit me as often as possible. We have red Sox tickets in a month… But I’m nervous because he tried a long distance relationship before and didn’t enjoy it and what if I’m not that great of a girlfriend to be enough for that kind of commitment? I want to think I am but I just don’t know. We’ll just take it one day at a time I guess. Until then I’m going to finish this beer, practice some more, work a lot, relax, and pack for school.
i hate working at mcdonalds, i hate 90% of the people i work with, i hate the customers at mcdonalds that treat me like shit, and the customers who cant order shit in the drive thru and and the customers who only wanted 9 sugars in their coffee, not 10… i hate smelling like fucking fries and having my face covered in acne and not knowing if its the actual disorder that i have or the fucking oil and grease i practically swim in 40+hours a week. I hate not getting sufficient sleep…
BUT at the same time i love having a job that pays (slightly) more for me to work unusual hours, and i love 10% of the people i work with, and i love having a job that allows me to have the most flexible hours, and i love not having to work on weekends, and the occasional free food when i’m really craving mcdonalds is pretty dope.
i feel so unimportant. everyone looks fucking pretty over the summer and i just look absolutely atrocious. i cant sit myself down to read one fucking book, because i’d like to say i dont have the attention span to sit long enough to get past a chapter, but really i’m just not smart enough. i dont look good in a bathing suit. i just look like shit. everything i do is shit. i get so insecure about myself sometimes and it puts me in an absolutely terrible mood. this fahking sucks dood.
I always think about how much I miss John. Like sometimes I think it’s stoooopid how much I miss him. And I’d love it if we lived closer. Or if I knew we would live closer in the fall. But I also think about how much the wait to see him makes me so anxious and then finally seeing him is the best thing. Like it gives me something to look forward to, something to get excited about… And finally getting to spend time with him after a couple weeks makes everything so much better. The time we spend is so valuable because it doesn’t happen as often. And I’m sorta glad that we’ve come this far even with being apart. Keeeeid makes me happy, what can I say
i dont know if this will make me sound like an asshole, and PLEASE PLEASE correct me if i’m wrong, but the 4th of july is about gaining our independence from england/ great britain/ whatever. it’s not about our troops.
don’t get me wrong, i fully respect our troops, but i’m sick of reading these statuses on facebook telling me to thank my veterans because 1. we should thank them every day, and hardly anyone does that, and 2. pretty sure July 4th isnt about troops. its literally about the signing of the declaration, and gaining independence from a country.
its like a wave of insecurities just hit me and i’m just really sad and frustrated with myself right now.
like i didnt grow up in a city so i get excited when i go to a big city. its an overwhelmingly good feeling. and i love boston so much. i’ve always had a passion for learning and for history, and boston just had a ton of that. and theres just so much to do there. but i guess going there makes me a tourist but i dont like the idea of being a tourist in my own state….
and i dont live on the cape but i go there 2 or 3 times a year and i get so excited to go…does that make me a tourist too?
i grew up in an average place. a lot of diversity but it was just average. and i enjoy the area so much its ridiculous. i could never get sick of western mass and all it has to offer. but i guess its just not cool. because its so average.
and another completely different topic. i cant do shit right. i hate when i get in these weird funks because i just feel absolutely worthless right now…and like i dont think john’s actually going to read this but i dont even know why he likes me because i honestly cant think of any good qualities that i have. i grew up living in an average town-like city where everyone knows everyone, i went to a high school that apparently isnt very smart, i’m not good at my major, i work at a greasy fast food restaurant, i’m really honestly not attractive compared to most girls, and i stay awake at night thinking of how insecure i am about everything. like i’m just not good girlfriend material.
i’m so sick of this feeling coming back. it just fucking sucks a lot
sometimes late at night i scroll through my posts and read the ones that i put more thought into. and right now i’m re-reading everything about Gloria. It makes me miss her a lot. And her house wasnt in the newspaper today, which could mean that there’s been an offer put on the house. change is coming… for all good reasons?