I’m so stressed out and its the summer. There’s just so many things I feel like I have to worry about, including but not limited to tons of money spent on gas, paying credit card bills, finding placements for student teaching ASAP, working a lot, my biology class, then my psych class, wanting to quit McSucks, practicing and maintaining my saxophone skill level, and this seems silly but planning out what weekends I’ll stay in town, see john, or go to the cape really gets me anxious. going to work yesterday I actually had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had, I thought I would need my inhaler.
But on a different note, my summer WILL be fun, I know it
What a crazy feeling it is. I can’t quite put my thumb on it. But its the feeling you get when you have followed your favorite sports team for yet another season. They’ve done so well, worked so hard, you’ve gone to some games, and then….they lose a playoff game. You’re at you’re favorite band’s concert, you’ve been singing to every song, you put every single emotion you’ve ever felt into the lyrics, as if you wrote those songs. This band just hits you in a spot…in THAT spot… And then before you know it you’re waking to your car ready to go home. And you just realize all these things at once. That you’re going home to your regular life. You are no longer dancing in those lyrics. you aren’t on that team, they have no idea who you even are. They might not even be on the same team next year. Its the check back into reality. It gets me every time and I just can’t figure it out.
how is it that a over year later, time spent with you is never redundant or boring or unexciting? nothing ever feels repeated. everything is always exciting.
i guess its like seeing the moon every night. it only has a short cycle that repeats itself over and over. but it never fails when i come home from work, get out of my car, and see the beauty of it.
its like going to a waterfall, where you’ve seen water flow from one direction to another plenty of times but this time takes your breath away just as much as the last time.
its the good things that let your mind create variety from a physical redundancy. The moon is never going to be in the exact same place and every eclipse you have the chance to see will effect you differently, water never flows the same way again. And different things are said and done between you and i during a meal we’ve had dozens of times or a drive we’ve frequently made. its a good thing.
I’m not one to post on facebook about how much I love john or any mushy gooey stuff about our relationship. We don’t have a picture of us kissing it. Sometimes on twitter I’ll say how i’m excited he’s coming to visit or how i miss him, but that’s just about it.
But this is that one mushy gooey post.
John and I used to smoke before wind symphony every wednesday. and then spring break started and he was around later because he had a trombone gig, so we went to my favorite hang out spot in West Side. and then i dropped him back off at his apartment and we were making out before i even knew what was happening. He went home later that day, but came back from the other side of the state 2 days into spring break, so we could hang out more. Obviously over the next few weeks things progressed and it was more than fine. One weekend we decided to try out a relationship even though he was an hour and a half away from me.
And that was the best decision we could have made.
Over a year later, and i could not be happier.
I don’t even wish to make the point to be “happy one year i love you sooooo much”…
But just that, so much can happen in a year. Our relationship grew so much, we did so many fun things like mini hikes to waterfalls, fishing, ice fishing, baseball games, hockey games, hockey games at frozen baseball fields, getting drunk together, staying up all night watching movies and tv, camping with my family, going to the cape with his family, going to football games, holiday parties,….its endless.
I get sick of lack-of straight answers, I like the not-real sport of baseball and get annoyed when people complain about it and just talk about how any other sport has more action/more talented players/ whatever, and i get annoyed when i’m just placed in a stupid position by others and it makes me a huge bitch to john so if you read this johnny i’m sorry
things are looking up for now. I paid my credit card bill for last month and still have money to pay the next one that comes up. I saw john after what seemed like forever. I ordered a new ligature for bari to improve my sound and response issues. I’m satisfied with my practicing and playing of the piece that i’m learning- it’s one of the heavy hitters in saxophone literature and i never thought i’d be able to get it to where it is now 3 weeks ago. I’m doing PRETTY good in all my classes; definitely room for improvement but theres not any class where i’m doing bad in. I need one more hour of my observations to do. The semester is moving by quickly, so i’ll be out of there before i know it. It IS POSSIBLE for me to graduate on time (as long as i take 2 summer classes and overload on credits in the fall). I got a nutri-bullet- HOORAY SMOOTHIES. Easter weekend is coming which means cape cod.
Idunno. I mean I’m still stressed as fuck, but things look possible to tackle, and with hard work I think I can do it.
I’m way too anxious for my sore throat to go away, and these two funny and painful bumps i have in my mouth from biting my cheek in my sleep. Too anxious to finish my Major, and minor, and student teach, and graduate and get outta here.i’m too anxious to work with students and teach them music. But I don’t want to teach them YOU HAVE TO BE GREAT AT THIS. i just want them to be able to use music to their benefit in some way. Is that okay? Not everyone has to be able to play all their major and minor scales in 3rds and tackle the “heavy hitter” pieces of their instrument. I just want to teach kids (and adults) that music can be beneficial in so many other ways… I’m so anxious to find some kind of an internship with a special ed/music teacher type person…or better yet a music therapist! so anxious to take a fucking roadtrip for a couple weeks but i dont even know where i want to go… just somewhere. and its like i’m anxious to get on with my life but what if when i do, i’ll miss school too much? and miss playing saxophone in an ensemble? and miss analyzing these Haydn and Beethoven pieces? what if i forget to appreciate things now and wish i had in 10 years?
So Valentines day is coming up and even though I’ll have had two Valentines days where I’m in a relationship, I still am not a fan. Maybe it’s because you should be sending love to EVERYONE you love EVERY DAY. or because I don’t know what to get someone else. Or because I don’t like chocolate, flowers, or stuffed animals. Or because I just wanna get silly cards like the ones from elementary school. Or the friendlys ones that get you free ice cream. Or a Cute card from my dad cause he always did that. It’s just such a weird and unnecessary holiday
Onray made me think of things beyond the ordinary. Onray thought my words were the most beautiful things that flowed to his hears. Onray spoke to me in corners of the room. Onray snuck up behind me to make nice comments. Onray brought me to the most beautiful place. Onray stood on the track and looked down at me. Onray nearly touched my lips. Onray lead me on. Onray told me everything I was doing was foolish, and young. Onray told me I was too innocent. Onray hurt me first, when he told me his middle name was Henry.
I can’t even explain how excited I am to be able to spend new years with someone. And with someone who I’m dating. Not someone I’m sleeping with, not someone who will be states away….but next to someone I’ve been publicly seeing for months now.
I wish your 22 year old self would grow up and learn that people speak sarcastically, that when you make a remotely rude comment you should expect one back, and that listening to your parents is okay to do.
Theres been so much talk about marriage these past couple days with one of my longest friends becoming engaged to her boyfriend of 5ish years give or take, and it just has me thinking. how do you know when its the right time? how do you know when youre with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? i guess the real answer to those questions, or rather the most frequent answer would be “you just know.”
but almost every time, everyone gets caught up in a relationship, and theyre still in the “honeymoon” phase, or they just had their first fight and realized they got past it, and theres so much love in the air at that point that you start to think “i love this person” and sometimes people start to think they want to marry that person. but are they really thinking logically? i mean i know every relationship i’ve tried to be really cautious about, but every time the relationship feels right for a big, long moment. but it turns out to be not right. and i guess it kinda sucks being in a relationship now with a great guy who loves me and also pokes fun at me, stays on the phone with me when i cry, laughs with me, and love me again….because for the past 7 or 8 months nothing has felt “wrong” and i dont want a moment to come where it does. its just the wait to find out if it will last or it wont, which has me thinking.
and then theres another thing. how long should you be with someone before getting engaged and married? i dont know if it was just my parents, or how most people wait til they’ve been with their significant other for a few years to get married that gave me the idea that thats a good amount of time to get to know someone well enough to spend your life with them…. i mean i cant wrap my mind around how any18, 19, 20 year old would be able to know someone so well in the span of months that they would want to get married.
or maybe its just that before now, every other guy i’ve “been with” has been a jerk to me (and maybe i sorta fell into a trap) and it tainted the idea of a great, long lasting relationship.
but i feel like a couple years at least, is a good enough time to know someone, learn how they live, have a couple small arguments, see their bad side, love their good side, know their family, discover their bad habits, realize how exactly you would fit into their life permanently…. how would a few months be able to tell that?
and then getting married in school. completely disregarding special situations (like a long relationship with a guy from the military while you’re finishing up with a year left of school), i wouldn’t want to marry someone while i was in school. maybe it’s just me. I’m the most stressed out in school. the busiest. what if your significant other doesnt like the extremely stressed out side of you at all? what if he constantly asks you to stop doing your work to spend time with him? what if you meet someone else? i mean, none of these happened to me… this is just part of the jumbled mess on how i feel about marriage.
i think what i like best about my relationship is that i respect what he wants to do and he (seems to) respect what i want to do. if i dont want to have sex, we dont and he’s not like ”puhhhleeaaaseee”, he doesnt want to quit smoking right now so i’m not pushing him to do anything about it. and we adjust to do what each other wants and it just seems to work really well
nothing really brings me as much joy and comfort as feeling you crawl into bed with me in the morning, your hands brushing my hair to the side, and then slide their way to my back, and the lightest kiss to wake me up
Sometimes I really miss my high school friends because unlike my friends at school, I never felt competition or extreme envy of high school friends. We all knew we wanted different things. No one tried to be the better musician, brag about finance info, competed with each other to see who knew the table of elements or more formulas in calculus…… We were just there to have fun while we could. We were all going to graduate together unless someone failed all their classes…
I never thought people here were dull. I miss them a lot.
i fucking hate myself. i’m not good at fucking anything i do. i dont even know why i wasted so much time trying and working my ass off with school this semester because all it got me was bad jury grades and fucking B’s.
like i know its thanksgiving and i shouldnt complain and i have nothing to complain about really. i have such great people in my life and theyre all so supportive. i love love love my family, tonight was awesome.
but i think i’m so stressed out that i cant sleep through the night. i wake up 3-4 times a night. i think i’m just stressed about school and keeping my relationship. not that either are going bad, i just want both to be exceptional. i want A’s in every class. and i want to get by the semester and be on winter break and get to see john a little more. but i’m so stressed about getting everything done, and then balancing seeing him and my family. and i’m just lost. what a fucking first world problem this is for a- seemingly ungrateful person. i swear though i do appreciate every part of my life.
I think so far its just been going so well because we were friends before anything. we talked, listened to music, smoked weed, watched bruins games, for a solid month and a half before he even kissed me when i left the apartment or made out on the couch in the living room when everyone else left, and it was a month after that when we realized we were in a relationship…
and i think that’s just the most important part about a relationship. is that you have to be friends with each other too.
at this point in a relationship because i love a lot and i dont want to lose it. I don’t feel like its being lost right now at all, but sometimes it just happens so fast, like right before your eyes you could say the wrong thing and the next day your facebook goes from in a relationship to single. And i just don’t want to even think about that happening.
I just hope to God that after all is said and done, and when this next year and a half flies by, I come out on top of everything and know what I want to do, know that I’m doing the right thing for me, know that I’m spending my time with the right people.
i watched a documentary on the science behind Sex Appeal, and like what makes people physically attractive. It talked about/ showed what features make someone more feminine/masculine and shit and ever since then i keep looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about how i have masculine features such as my eyebrows being closer to my eyes and my chin is wider and bigger and I know i’m not ugly, but it certainly makes me feel a lot less pretty or attractive.
so once you read that Buzzfeed, here’s my opinion on all of this. and i sincerely hope none of you take it in the wrong way.
It was completely insensitive of her to even think of doing something like dressing up as a marathon victim. Completely. Like i dont think i can ever understand how she thought it was funny or clever.
and some of the tweet responses were very accurate.. like the one that was like “did you dress up as a cancer patient last year” or whatever.
THAT BEING SAID whoever got her address, her parents information, or decided to send her death threats, is JUST as bad, if not worse. There are very few situations where people should legitimately wish death upon someone, and as close as the boston marathon bombing is to my heart being a mass resident and having so many connections with the area, someone trying to make fun of the situation shouldnt be the time to wish death upon them. She was just extremely ignorant, insensitive, and inhumane.
Like honestly I’m stressed out as fuck with registration tomorrow, knowing i have a boat load of things to do before the end of the semester, let alone the next (hopefully) 3 semesters here. I’m trying to get homework done early but its so confusing. i have to write a transcription and i’m nowhere close to where i should be. I am running out of underwear even though its been less than two weeks since Ive done laundry. i’ve been dying for john to lay next to me so i know everything will be okay but he’s at a bar with his friend who happens to be his ex and i dont care…but i do.. but i dont. because i’m friends with all of mine, so he can go to a bar with his. but i think its just the fact that she can legally go to the bar and i cant, and she probably knows more about the bruins than me his current lame ass girlfriend. so i gave up on the homework that i don’t understand, and started drinking and it didn’t even help. story of my fucking life.
Today Kerry asked how my weekend was, so i was like “oh it was goooood john came up, i did this, we did that, this happened, sox won” and she was like “how is that btw, you and john? you’ve been together for a while now right?”
and on that short walk to bates it got me thinking. a while seems sort of relative, like dynamics and tempo. sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were keeping it on the DL. sometimes it feels like we’ve been best friends for years.
all i’m really sayin here is that the amount of time we’ve called ourselves in a relationship doesnt matter. and that i’m comfortable with where we are i guess.
i feel like i’m finding more success in my playing than i have before, and i am feeling more ready about this education part to music, and i feel like i’m learning more…. but MY GOD the work is incredibly hard to the point where i debate on dropping classes and feeling like i shouldn’t be taking music classes. its such contrasting feelings that i have
Things are so weird lately.
Life is so busy.
And Good. And bad.
And interesting. And absolutely full of surprises.
Wondering how I ended up here.
And why you talk to me.
But yeah things are just weird lately and I’m just tryina figure out how to piece everything together yanno?
The struggle haha.