something weird.



Onray made me think of things beyond the ordinary. Onray thought my words were the most beautiful things that flowed to his hears. Onray spoke to me in corners of the room. Onray snuck up behind me to make nice comments. Onray brought me to the most beautiful place. Onray stood on the track and looked down at me. Onray nearly touched my lips. Onray lead me on. Onray told me everything I was doing was foolish, and young. Onray told me I was too innocent. Onray hurt me first, when he told me his middle name was Henry.

I can’t even explain how excited I am to be able to spend new years with someone. And with someone who I’m dating. Not someone I’m sleeping with, not someone who will be states away….but next to someone I’ve been publicly seeing for months now.

I wish your 22 year old self would grow up and learn that people speak sarcastically, that when you make a remotely rude comment you should expect one back, and that listening to your parents is okay to do.

Sometimes I want to take cute serious pictures with John, but then I remember how much of a freak I look like. I’m seriously so not photogenic and it bums me out :(

a big jumbled mess on marriage

Theres been so much talk about marriage these past couple days with one of my longest friends becoming engaged to her boyfriend of 5ish years give or take, and it just has me thinking. how do you know when its the right time? how do you know when youre with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? i guess the real answer to those questions, or rather the most frequent answer would be “you just know.”

but almost every time, everyone gets caught up in a relationship, and theyre still in the “honeymoon” phase, or they just had their first fight and realized they got past it, and theres so much love in the air at that point that you start to think “i love this person” and sometimes people start to think they want to marry that person. but are they really thinking logically? i mean i know every relationship i’ve tried to be really cautious about, but every time the relationship feels right for a big, long moment. but it turns out to be not right. and i guess it kinda sucks being in a relationship now with a great guy who loves me and also pokes fun at me, stays on the phone with me when i cry, laughs with me, and love me again….because for the past 7 or 8 months nothing has felt “wrong” and i dont want a moment to come where it does.  its just the wait to find out if it will last or it wont, which has me thinking.

and then theres another thing. how long should you be with someone before getting engaged and married? i dont know if it was just my parents, or how most people wait til they’ve been with their significant other for a few years to get married that gave me the idea that thats a good amount of time to get to know someone well enough to spend your life with them…. i mean i cant wrap my mind around how any18, 19, 20 year old would be able to know  someone so well in the span of months that they would want to get married. 

or maybe its just that before now, every other guy i’ve “been with” has been a jerk to me (and maybe i sorta fell into a trap) and it tainted the idea of a great, long lasting relationship.

but i feel like a couple years at least, is a good enough time to know someone, learn how they live, have a couple small arguments, see their bad side, love their good side, know their family, discover their bad habits, realize how exactly you would fit into their life permanently…. how would a few months be able to tell that?

and then getting married in school. completely disregarding special situations (like a long relationship with a guy from the military while you’re finishing up with a year left of school), i wouldn’t want to marry someone while i was in school. maybe it’s just me. I’m the most stressed out in school. the busiest. what if your significant other doesnt like the extremely stressed out side of you at all? what if he constantly asks you to stop doing your work to spend time with him? what if you meet someone else? i mean, none of these happened to me… this is just part of the jumbled mess on how i feel about marriage.

i just wish everything was clear cut, yanno?

i think what i like best about my relationship is that i respect what he wants to do and he (seems to) respect what i want to do. if i dont want to have sex, we dont and he’s not like  ”puhhhleeaaaseee”, he doesnt want to quit smoking right now so i’m not pushing him to do anything about it. and we adjust to do what each other wants and it just seems to work really well

nothing really brings me as much joy and comfort as feeling you crawl into bed with me in the morning, your hands brushing my hair to the side, and then slide their way to my back, and the lightest kiss to wake me up

Sometimes I really miss my high school friends because unlike my friends at school, I never felt competition or extreme envy of high school friends. We all knew we wanted different things. No one tried to be the better musician, brag about finance info, competed with each other to see who knew the table of elements or more formulas in calculus…… We were just there to have fun while we could. We were all going to graduate together unless someone failed all their classes…

I never thought people here were dull. I miss them a lot.

i fucking hate myself. i’m not good at fucking anything i do. i dont even know why i wasted so much time trying and working my ass off with school this semester because all it got me was bad jury grades and fucking B’s.

i absolutely love this song

  • Me during finals week: "It's beginning to look a lot like FUCK THIS."

sometimes i like to lay in bed and think about how i ended up where i am in this whole thing. 

how i told you i couldnt go to your recital because i had to work, and thats why we started talking in the first place.

how its a damn good thing i became a drum major in high school because if i wasnt i would have felt like the worst musician ever and probably would be lost with what i wanted to do  with my life.

and just how quick i grew up from high school to college. and how young and immature i still am. but how mature i can be at the same time.

Dec 9

not seeing you often doesnt get easier. but seeing you after not seeing you for a week or two makes it all worth it.

sometimes i just wish it was last semester again. i would kill for another night like those were.