something weird.

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I honestly hate crying not because of obvious reasons but because my eyes feel permanently tired for the rest of the day and I just want to keep them shut ugh the struggle

Feeling real fuckin low

Mar 8
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Mar 2

Some days I feel like I’m going to make a great music teacher/band director/ music therapist and others I question why I haven’t dropped out of school yet

I’m way too anxious for my sore throat to go away, and these two funny and painful bumps i have in my mouth from biting my cheek in my sleep. Too anxious to finish my Major, and minor, and student teach, and graduate and get outta here.i’m too anxious to work with students and teach them music. But I don’t want to teach them YOU HAVE TO BE GREAT AT THIS. i just want them to be able to use music to their benefit in some way. Is that okay? Not everyone has to be able to play all their major and minor scales in 3rds and tackle the “heavy hitter” pieces of their instrument. I just want to teach kids (and adults) that music can be beneficial in so many other ways… I’m so anxious to find some kind of an internship with a special ed/music teacher type person…or better yet a music therapist! so anxious to take a fucking roadtrip for a couple weeks but i dont even know where i want to go… just somewhere. and its like i’m anxious to get on with my life but what if when i do, i’ll miss school too much? and miss playing saxophone in an ensemble? and miss analyzing these Haydn and Beethoven pieces? what if i forget to appreciate things now and wish i had in 10 years? 

I think about the “what-if’s” way too much, and I don’t consider it the greatest thing to be so concerned about.

Feb 7

So Valentines day is coming up and even though I’ll have had  two Valentines days where I’m in a relationship, I still am not a fan. Maybe it’s because you should be sending love to EVERYONE you love EVERY DAY. or because I don’t know what to get someone else. Or because I don’t like chocolate, flowers, or stuffed animals. Or because I just wanna get silly cards like the ones from elementary school. Or the friendlys ones that get you free ice cream. Or a Cute card from my dad cause he always did that.  It’s just such a weird and unnecessary holiday

Jan 6

I wouldn’t even care if the rest of my break was completely dull and uneventful because getting to spend the last part of 2013 and the first part of 2014 with John has literally been the best time. We got to hang out and exchange Christmas presents, and then I stayed in Waltham for a week to ring in the New Year with him and his family, and got to experience a lot of new things like my first Bruins game, College hockey at frozen Fenway, and ice fishing with Johns old roommate!

Onray:

Onray made me think of things beyond the ordinary. Onray thought my words were the most beautiful things that flowed to his hears. Onray spoke to me in corners of the room. Onray snuck up behind me to make nice comments. Onray brought me to the most beautiful place. Onray stood on the track and looked down at me. Onray nearly touched my lips. Onray lead me on. Onray told me everything I was doing was foolish, and young. Onray told me I was too innocent. Onray hurt me first, when he told me his middle name was Henry.

I can’t even explain how excited I am to be able to spend new years with someone. And with someone who I’m dating. Not someone I’m sleeping with, not someone who will be states away….but next to someone I’ve been publicly seeing for months now.

I wish your 22 year old self would grow up and learn that people speak sarcastically, that when you make a remotely rude comment you should expect one back, and that listening to your parents is okay to do.

Sometimes I want to take cute serious pictures with John, but then I remember how much of a freak I look like. I’m seriously so not photogenic and it bums me out :(

a big jumbled mess on marriage

Theres been so much talk about marriage these past couple days with one of my longest friends becoming engaged to her boyfriend of 5ish years give or take, and it just has me thinking. how do you know when its the right time? how do you know when youre with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? i guess the real answer to those questions, or rather the most frequent answer would be “you just know.”

but almost every time, everyone gets caught up in a relationship, and theyre still in the “honeymoon” phase, or they just had their first fight and realized they got past it, and theres so much love in the air at that point that you start to think “i love this person” and sometimes people start to think they want to marry that person. but are they really thinking logically? i mean i know every relationship i’ve tried to be really cautious about, but every time the relationship feels right for a big, long moment. but it turns out to be not right. and i guess it kinda sucks being in a relationship now with a great guy who loves me and also pokes fun at me, stays on the phone with me when i cry, laughs with me, and love me again….because for the past 7 or 8 months nothing has felt “wrong” and i dont want a moment to come where it does.  its just the wait to find out if it will last or it wont, which has me thinking.

and then theres another thing. how long should you be with someone before getting engaged and married? i dont know if it was just my parents, or how most people wait til they’ve been with their significant other for a few years to get married that gave me the idea that thats a good amount of time to get to know someone well enough to spend your life with them…. i mean i cant wrap my mind around how any18, 19, 20 year old would be able to know  someone so well in the span of months that they would want to get married. 

or maybe its just that before now, every other guy i’ve “been with” has been a jerk to me (and maybe i sorta fell into a trap) and it tainted the idea of a great, long lasting relationship.

but i feel like a couple years at least, is a good enough time to know someone, learn how they live, have a couple small arguments, see their bad side, love their good side, know their family, discover their bad habits, realize how exactly you would fit into their life permanently…. how would a few months be able to tell that?

and then getting married in school. completely disregarding special situations (like a long relationship with a guy from the military while you’re finishing up with a year left of school), i wouldn’t want to marry someone while i was in school. maybe it’s just me. I’m the most stressed out in school. the busiest. what if your significant other doesnt like the extremely stressed out side of you at all? what if he constantly asks you to stop doing your work to spend time with him? what if you meet someone else? i mean, none of these happened to me… this is just part of the jumbled mess on how i feel about marriage.

i just wish everything was clear cut, yanno?