something weird.


What a crazy feeling it is. I can’t quite put my thumb on it. But its the feeling you get when you have followed your favorite sports team for yet another season. They’ve done so well, worked so hard, you’ve gone to some games, and then….they lose a playoff game. You’re at you’re favorite band’s concert, you’ve been singing to every song, you put every single emotion you’ve ever felt into the lyrics, as if you wrote those songs. This band just hits you in a spot…in THAT spot… And then before you know it you’re waking to your car ready to go home. And you just realize all these things at once. That you’re going home to your regular life. You are no longer dancing in those lyrics. you aren’t on that team, they have no idea who you even are. They might not even be on the same team next year. Its the check back into reality. It gets me every time and I just can’t figure it out.

good things

how is it that a over year later, time spent with you is never redundant or boring or unexciting? nothing ever feels repeated. everything is always exciting.

i guess its like seeing the moon every night. it only has a short cycle that repeats itself over and over. but it never fails when i come home from work, get out of my car, and see the beauty of it.

its like going to  a waterfall, where you’ve seen water flow from one direction to another plenty of times but this time takes your breath away just as much as the last time.

its the good things that let your mind create variety from a physical redundancy. The moon is never going to be in the exact same place and every eclipse you have the chance to see will effect you differently, water never flows the same way again. And different things are said and done between you and i during a meal we’ve had dozens of times or a drive we’ve frequently made. its a good thing.

May 6

this is that one mushy gooey post.

I’m not one to post on facebook about how much I love john or any mushy gooey stuff about our relationship. We don’t have a picture of us kissing it. Sometimes on twitter I’ll say how i’m excited he’s coming to visit or how i miss him, but that’s just about it.

But this is that one mushy gooey post. 

John and I used to smoke before wind symphony every wednesday. and then spring break started and he was around later because he had a trombone gig, so we went to my favorite hang out spot in West Side. and then i dropped him back off at his apartment and we were making out before i even knew what was happening. He went home later that day, but came back from the other side of the state 2 days into spring break, so we could hang out more. Obviously over the next few weeks things progressed and it was more than fine. One weekend we decided to try out a relationship even though he was an hour and a half away from me. 

And that was the best decision we could have made. 

Over a year later, and i could not be happier. 

I don’t even wish to make the point to be “happy one year i love you sooooo much”…

But just that, so much can happen in a year. Our relationship grew so much, we did so many fun things like mini hikes to waterfalls, fishing, ice fishing, baseball games, hockey games, hockey games at frozen baseball fields, getting drunk together, staying up all night watching movies and tv, camping with my family, going to the cape with his family, going to football games, holiday parties,….its endless. 

and everything has come full circle.

All because we decided to try things out. 


you can have 14 pancakes or 132 there is no inbetween


you can have 14 pancakes or 132 there is no inbetween

(Source: baguetted)

Apr 3

 i feel so lousy and especially unwanted

Apr 3

I get sick of lack-of straight answers, I like the not-real sport of baseball and get annoyed when people complain about it and just talk about how any other sport has more action/more talented players/ whatever, and i get annoyed when i’m just placed in a stupid position by others and it makes me a huge bitch to john so if you read this johnny i’m sorry 

But completely disregarding my other post, everything lately seems like one door opens and two of them close. So that really bothers me

things are looking up for now. I paid my credit card bill for last month and still have money to pay the next one that comes up. I saw john after what seemed like forever. I ordered a new ligature for bari to improve my sound and response issues. I’m satisfied with my practicing and playing of the piece that i’m learning- it’s one of the heavy hitters in saxophone literature and i never thought i’d be able to get it to where it is now 3 weeks ago. I’m doing PRETTY good in all my classes; definitely room for improvement but theres not any class where i’m doing bad in. I need one more hour of my observations to do. The semester is moving by quickly, so i’ll be out of there before i know it. It IS POSSIBLE for me to graduate on time (as long as i take 2 summer classes and overload on credits in the fall). I got a nutri-bullet- HOORAY SMOOTHIES. Easter weekend is coming which means cape cod. 

Idunno. I mean I’m still stressed as fuck, but things look possible to tackle, and with hard work I think I can do it. 

I honestly hate crying not because of obvious reasons but because my eyes feel permanently tired for the rest of the day and I just want to keep them shut ugh the struggle

Feeling real fuckin low

Mar 8
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Mar 2

Some days I feel like I’m going to make a great music teacher/band director/ music therapist and others I question why I haven’t dropped out of school yet

I’m way too anxious for my sore throat to go away, and these two funny and painful bumps i have in my mouth from biting my cheek in my sleep. Too anxious to finish my Major, and minor, and student teach, and graduate and get outta here.i’m too anxious to work with students and teach them music. But I don’t want to teach them YOU HAVE TO BE GREAT AT THIS. i just want them to be able to use music to their benefit in some way. Is that okay? Not everyone has to be able to play all their major and minor scales in 3rds and tackle the “heavy hitter” pieces of their instrument. I just want to teach kids (and adults) that music can be beneficial in so many other ways… I’m so anxious to find some kind of an internship with a special ed/music teacher type person…or better yet a music therapist! so anxious to take a fucking roadtrip for a couple weeks but i dont even know where i want to go… just somewhere. and its like i’m anxious to get on with my life but what if when i do, i’ll miss school too much? and miss playing saxophone in an ensemble? and miss analyzing these Haydn and Beethoven pieces? what if i forget to appreciate things now and wish i had in 10 years?